In search of Mr Right

So this week our original sperm guy got back in touch and has just cemented our decision not to use him. For us it was never hard to decide how to have a child, we knew we wanted a known donor and I would try and get pregnant first. We want a known donor because biology is important to us. Our children will want to know who they are, who their father is, what he’s like etc. Rather than them never being able to find out and feeling incomplete or living life day dreaming of an unrealistic, fantastic ‘dad’ only to be disappointed by someone who doesn’t fit the bill when they turn 18 or simply doesn’t want to know, we wanted to take the mystery out of it. We wanted to say, yeah X is your biological father, we’re your parents and he helped us have you. Simple, easy, no having to search for answers. And the idea of having a dad X, uncle X or plain old X in the background never bothered us because we are secure in who we are. We are two women, and no we haven’t just spontaneously conceived of this child so why pretend otherwise? Neither of us want to be dad, we are two mums, so having dad X around doesn’t threaten us.  Only problem is finding the right guy for the job!

We met G in 2012 when we advertised for someone to rent out our house while we went travelling. We lived with him for a couple of months either side of the time we were away and got on really well, and after he moved out we continued to socialise together. He had a child from a previous relationship, had been single most of the time we knew him but had expressed an interest in having more children. I knew he would be interested in helping us probably 12 months before we broached the subject from hints he’d dropped but A was initially reluctant to ask him as he likes things to go his way and can be unwavering once he’s made a decision. One night however we mentioned to him that we were going to be looking at starting a family soon, and had decided that we wanted to go down the known donor route. He straight away said, well you can ask me! He seemed very enthusiastic, supportive of A and I being the child’s parents and happy to see the child occasionally so it grew up knowing where it came from/it’s biology. We spent many evenings discussing the ins and outs and we all got very excited about the prospect of this future child. 

As soon as we got married however, G immediately put the barriers up. He stopped answering our calls and texts and so we couldn’t arrange meeting up to plan the next steps of baby making, and we were devistated. It was clear he’d changed his mind, and not only that but chickened out of telling us. We had lost a friend and our seemingly perfect set up to have a baby with a known donor. I eventually text him saying it was ok if he had changed his mind but we still wanted to be friends. I got a lengthy reply back saying he was busy working away and had no time to meet up, needed to think about it further, we seemed keen to get on with sooner than he was ready and he didn’t have time for a child. Firstly we had been talking about it for over 18 months at this point and I really can’t imagine what else he needed to think about, if he wasn’t sure now I believed he would never be. Secondly we had always made it clear this would be mine and A’s child, we would be the parents. Yes we wanted the child to know who he was and to see him socially occasionally but not to parent the child. We had said this from the beginning, it was the most important thing for us to be the child’s legal guardians and had emphasised this repeatedly, so why the sudden reference to him not having time for a child? That didn’t sit right. We moved on. 

Last week I saw him in passing and the next day had the first text off him in ages… Asking me to pop over after a shift (I.e alone) some time for a cheeky wiskey so he can tell me about a dream he had about me that my wife wouldn’t approve of! It’s just inappropriate. As clearly irresistible as I am (!) I’m newly married, he’s friends with me and my wife and I thought we all understood each other. We’ve definitely had a lucky escape and are so thankful that we had other options. It is so hard to find the right guy, this decision is forever, and we need to at least start on the same wavelength. Sheesh. 


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