Daring to hope

6dpo…8 days until I could expect my period but the last couple of days I’ve had these uterine cramps that feel like my period is about to start. Nothing else, no weird smells or tastes of twinges in my boobs. 

My heart knows I’m pregnant and breaks into moments of giddy joy, but my head is sure that I’ve experienced cramping and twinges like this before and refuses to let my heart indulge in such recklessness. Should I just go ahead and let myself indulge in the possibility I’m pregnant? After all I’m not not pregnant and it’s not going to make a BFN any less painful. Or will it? 

Last month deep down I knew I wasn’t pregnant, even to the extent of drinking wine and eating smoked salmon like it was going out of fashion. And I think that knowing that last month wasn’t our month was worse, because your there with this possibility that you don’t really believe in and really your just waiting for AF thinking when?? When will it be my turn. 

This month I’m going to stick with hope, and send positivity and love to my maybe baby 💕💕💕

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3rd time lucky?! 

  I am literally so excited to see this gorgeous little face! This is my first positive ovulation test since I started POAS many months ago. I had started to think there was something wrong, but a colleague pointed out that I was probably just testing at the wrong time of day and missing it, especially as when I’m working I’m away for 14+ hours. So I changed it and hey presto… Ovulation a go! 
We also inseminated today 😍 it’s cd 19 for me, and we inseminated on cd 17 already (my cycles are around 33 days) and had planned to do cd 22 (as sperm guy can’t do cd 21) but that seems pointless now so we’re going to do cd 20 (tomorrow). 

I’m also so reassured that the reason we’ve had no luck so far is timing. I know it’s only been three months and that’s nothing but still I am a tad over dramatic (I was googling pituitary gland tumors today….). Our previous inseminations have been on cd 11, 12, 15 and 25. All no where near ovulation and looking back all rather silly shots in the dark! I guess this stuff takes practice right?? 

Anyway, sperm, meet egg! Now do your thing 😍

Denial 

I used a carbon monoxide monitor at work this week, you know, for jokes. I nearly fell off my chair when the result read seven! Seven! A 5 would indicate a smoker, 4 and under is normal/healthy. But I don’t smoke.

That’s the first lie I tell myself, because I do smoke. Not ever day, not even every week and usually only when out for a drink with ‘proper’ smokers but I do. It’s got to stop. I don’t even like it! 

There are more lies. There’s the lie about not eating refined carbs, and the one about not drinking alcahol. Why do I do this to myself? These are lies I tell myself btw not others, everyone else can clearly see the glass of wine in my hand! 

So this week I made myself a deal, no more lies. No setting myself up to fail and then feeling horribly guilty when I do. I’ll try and apply all of the good habits I want to get into, because this is lifestyle change and it’s not going to take place over night. And you know what, I did ok! No fags bought my carbon monoxide down to 3 and because of the high reading earlier in the week I declined an offer of a cig last night that I’d normally have accepted. I had a couple of glasses of wine after work but that’s ok, I’m not in the two week wait (that starts today! Eek!!!!) and I’m working all weekend so deserve a treat.  My diet has been spot on and I’m consistently down to two cups of coffee a day. 

This week being honest with myself has really helped me see where I’m going wrong and I feel healthier and more positive for it. I’m ready for this tww, for our maybe baby and for this honesty to continue so I can be in the best place I can physically and mentally ❤️

Jealousy and love

My period came.

My best friends didn’t. 

I’m so happy for her! I am I am I am. I am. 

When we were doing our random last insemination, I was messaging her n she asked what I was doing, so I told her. She went and DTD with her hubby, and it worked! We laughed how we could be concieving together. 

I have an ache in my chest, I’m jealous but that’s ok, I’m jealous of everyone who’s pregnant and my time will come, it will. I also have a full to bursting heart in my chest for her 💗 I don’t want to take this from her, it shouldn’t be mine not hers, it’s her time. She’s beautiful and so is her husband. They deserve this, and I’m praying and praying for that little embryo to hold on and make her a mummy. We will be mummy’s together, we’ve done everything together. 

Cd 36 or 6 days late? 

So my fertility app tells me my period is late, 6 days late and that I am on cd 36. I wish I understood my body more, what is going on! On average my cycles last 30 daysthough the last 3 have lasted 33, so am I really just 3 days late as apposed to 6? If my cycle is just really long this time, why?! 30-33 days is long enough thank you! 

I did a pregnancy test yesterday, as we last Inseminated on day 25 of my cycle, just for the sake of it really. Since that was 10 days a go and my period is late I managed to excite myself into believing it is possible that our random stab in the dark inseminations had worked. 

Cue hilarity; we are camping, it was dark, I was trying to POAS without A noticing, without peeing on myself, on a porta potty whilst holding a torch! Partial success; I managed to POAS but also on myself! Thank god for wet wipes. BFN if you’re wondering. Hmmmm. Can’t pretend I’m not disappointed even if it’s highly unlikely. 

So I will console myself by snuggling the two gorgeous women in my life  💕