D7Po

Boobs are achy tender, uterus is crampy and pinchy. 

I was ignoring the uterine cramps and blaming the polyp (grrr) until the boobs started up yesterday and now that little glimmer of hope has snuck in! Not sure what to do with it now I know I’m not likely to be or get pregnant with the polyp in residence. Try not to let hope take over again I guess! 

In other news we booked (or should I say my parents did) a skiing holiday for December…. When my parents suggested it as a family holiday I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t feel ready to announce our predicament and knew if I’m not pregnant and we do have to wait for polyp eviction a family Christmas holiday would be such a lovely distraction. However if by some miracle I am pregnant skiing badly down the alps is not the best way to spend early pregnancy. Then my gorgeous wife suggested if (pleasepleaseplease) I am with child she could give me her credit card and I could whittle away the hours in one of the gorgeous spas or going up in a bubble life to meet them for lunch with a view. Sold! Now that sounds like a perfect way to spend early pregnacy

Advertisements

Condom wands and an uninvited guest

Friday morning I had the glorious experience if a pelvic ultrasound, lucky me eh?! Why they faf around making you drink ungodly amounts of water only to pretend like they wern’t always going to end up brandishing the condom wand is beyond me. My day was literally controlled there out by the sheer volume of my pee! 

Anyway after what felt like an hour of wanding and a lot of rummaging around, the nice lady at the other end of the condom wand announced that I had a polyp and my endometrium was too thick, probably due to inflammation caused by the polyp. Great. There was a cyst on my ovary most probably from the fact I had ovulated a couple of days ago as there was no other signs of polycystic ovaries so that was good. 

She wants me to return in three months (THREE MONTHS!!!!) to confirm her findings and make sure no other cysts have appeared. My GP will get the results this week and I plan on asking if it’s possible to just go ahead and have a hysteroscopy cuz if there is something there they can just remove the offending article whilst they’re in there and we can continue on with our dream of having a family. I don’t want to spend 3 months hanging around just for them to say, yep it’s still there, now let’s get it out! 

I’ve been very upset about this uninvited polyp but not all that surprised. The cramps that started from around the time of last months ovulation haven’t gone away, and cramps, irregular bleeding and heavy periods are something I’ve experienced on and off for a couple of years now. It’s just cruel that this wasn’t picked up and dealt with before we spent 4 months ttc and getting our hopes up only to have them dashed again. I’ve had pelvic ultrasounds before because of my symptoms and numerous visits to my GP and the gynaecologist and have always been told nothing’s wrong. It’s sooo frustrating. 

I’m almost definitely not pregnant if I do have a polyp. But on the plus side, most womens fertility returns pretty quickly after having one removed so if we can get on with it we should theoretically be able to conceive as easily as anyone else. But if we do have to wait those three months to have it confirmed where does that leave us? Do we continue to inseminate and hope it works despite the polyp or do we have a break to save ourselves from the heartbreak? The problem is the what if….

I am aware that this as just a minor bump in the road if ttc and many more have it so much worse. But this is my road and my bump and this journey is an emotional one, bumps or not. 

Hello O! 

Ovulation! 

And just like that I’m back in the room people! We’ve inseminated every other day the last 7 days, including this evening and as I have the lovely 😳 fertile cm I was hopeful I would ovulate yesterday or today but continued to get negative or high (but not peak) fertility readings on the numerous ovulation tests so we just plowed on with the inseminations regardless….

And after the fourth insemination this evening, on CD19, I finally got my positive! Phew! The four out of seven days of donating has even left our gorgeous sperm guy needing a nap when I left this evening 😉 I’m pretty chuffed that I ovulated on the sane CD as last month but just hope that the second half of my cycle is longer this time round to give the hopefully fertilised egg time to do it’s thing 💃

Now time to cross our fingers and settle into the tww. I’m going to try and not get my hopes up as drastically as I did last month but I do really plan on staying positive as it’s got to help right? Safe swimming spermies 🏊🙏💙💗

CD 17 ramblings 

Today is cd 17 and we are 2 inseminations down, one cd 13 one cd 15 one today… Then we plan on continuing every two days until I’ve defiantly ovulated. We started so early in my cycle (ovulated on cd 19 last month) because I was feeling pretty fertile back on cd 13. Had some fertile mucous sore boobs and was feeling pretty romantic if you get my drift…but no positive ovulation test as yet just that irritating blinking smily (god damn!) and all my O symptoms just disappeared. 

I’m feeling pretty negative about this cycle. My last cycle was 28 days long, so my luteal phase only lasted 9 days which just does not cut the mustard. I usually have a much longer cycle so I just have no idea what’s going on. Hense inseminating as much as poss. 

I’m really grateful to my sperm guy and his wife, they’re sticking by us and pretty much accepting whatever we want to do with the inseminations even though they’ve been having a rough patch themselves. Such generous and loyal people. Has been a little awkward at times however and I’m not sure how I feel about that. 

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely through all this process especially this month, A has just been so focused on her university course and hasn’t been able to come to any inseminations so far this month and not many previously tbh but nor has she been asking about them or really shown any support without prompting. She never asks about the ovulation tests, has started smoking again and has made minimal effort to read the fertility book I bought her to help her understand it all. Yet she cried when I wasn’t pregnant last month, animatedly talks about how much she does want a baby with me now (when prompted) and even broke down earlier this week saying she would want to try and carry one too when her course is over. I don’t doubt her desire to have a child but just feel she’s not as commited or dedicated to this as me, and I want us to be in the same place. Of course we’ve talked about it but I’ve yet to see any change…..

Were also awaiting appointments at one NHS and one private fertility clinic. We will be paying but I want to find out if going through the NHS can save us a few quid though I’m not anticipating much real difference. I was shocked to find out the amount it will cost us to use our sperm guy as a known donor, were talking £1250-£2000 just for the screening. That was a real kick in the teeth but we will just have to take it because using an an anonymous donor just doesn’t sit right with either of is. I want to know him, I want our child to know him. Because of this I think a cycle of ivf will be on the region of £7000 for us, and based only age we would have a 50-60% chance of success. What a roll of the dice it is. 

We had planned to go skiing with my family this year, we missed out last year because of work commitments but were all set for this Christmas, but a £2500 holiday is not going to happen if we decide to go ahead with this ivf, especially as I am the only earner ATM and were still paying for our wedding from May. Really, we can’t afford it anyway bit it sucks to miss out on family festivities. 

I guess really that was a big old moan, sorry about that! 

Foreward planning

I’m back to my positive self today and partly it’s because we have a plan. I do love to have a plan. Structure makes me feel validated and hopeful, it guides me and helps me keep everything in check. I don’t mean I’m organised or have a daily routine particularly but I like to have goals and be proactive about reaching them. I’m driven. Ttc is unpredictable and I can’t control what will happen but I can hash out ideas and ideals to get us to our goal. It helps with the emotional days to think it’s ok, we have a plan. 

I know we’re only three months into this but I’ve wanted to be pregnant forever. I don’t want to be trying for 12 months to then get a referral and have to wait another 6 months + to get treatment started. So I rang my GP today, got an appointment on the same day after work and hey presto a referral to a local NHS hospital that takes private patients at a reduced rate. How amazing is our NHS??! I think they estimate three months for the initial appointment to come through and in the mean time were going to keep going with home inseminations and keep our fingers crossed! I also get a pelvic scan thrown in cuz of my bleeding between cycles which has been happening a while. I’ve had scans and smears etc before which have been normal but my last scan was two years ago now so I’m pleased to have another just to check this bleeding is still nothing to worry about. 
The other big thing is that I’m going to make a big push to lose weight before that appointment as ATM my BMI rolls in at a whopping 33! Ouch. I know they won’t want to treat me until it’s 30 or below, but I can do this. I need to shift 1 stone 6 pounds to get to a BMI of 30. Move more eat less. Sounds so simple! So today I cycled 4 miles in the rain with the puppy after work. It was short but I feel good and I worked hard for 25 minutes. I’m going to try and do that ever day, steer clear of alcahol and refined carbs as much as possible and generally eat a lot of good wholesome foods. I’m talking lifestyle change here not faddy crash dieting. 

So that’s the plan; lose weight, carry on with home inseminations and await an appointment at the fertility clinic. Yay!

See you soon Hope

Hope is such cruel tormenter. I was so positive this month worked, I knew my body and knew I felt different this time. And what was the harm in letting hope in anyway, especially as I was pregnant so hope would just turn into joy soon enough! 

The first blow came the day I realised I had sensitive boobs. Most people say that’s a good thing right? But my boobs feel the same every month, in the week before my period. The familiar ache dashed hope immediately…but you can’t stop hope! And I ended up thinking to myself, oh gosh, pregnancy symptoms and AF symptoms are as similar as everyone says! Because clearly hope was still winning this emotional battle. After another couple of days of hoping, I did a pregnancy test, many days too early because, after all, I was so pregnant it was going to be one of those super early super positive tests everybody chats about on ttc forums wondering if it’s twins! Obviously it was negative, but hope still couldn’t be stopped. Even when my cm changed, just the way it does every month before AF comes…and even on CD1 which happened to be 10DP0, hope was there, cruelly suggesting that it could just be implantation bleeding. 

Now is cd2 and I am sad. I’m sad to let go of my hope even though she’s treated me rather badly. I know I’ll see her again soon. Wow the 2ww is hard!