Again and again 

Cd1. How many times?? I didn’t cry today because I’ve had period pains for two days now and had a meltdown last night which got it all out. My poor A bore the brunt yet again, seriously love that girl.

This cycle was 31 days, last was 26. I’m so confused with it all so I’ve started temping now so I can try and work out if and when ovulation is actually happening. I put it off for a while, originally cuz of working shift work my temps just didn’t make sense but now in 9-5 so I should get a decent pattern. 

Right now Were seriously reconsidering our sperm guy. 

I’m fed up of feeling like I owe them. 

We, mainly I, want to use a known donor as morally I feel our child has a right to grow up knowing where he or she came from genetically speaking. Neither of us want to be a dad so don’t feel threatened by the idea of our child having a third or even forth ‘parent’. We’re relaxed about terms and contact, and would just see what evolved naturally. No pressure. But these guys were using now, our friends, well I feel like we’re getting on their nerves and that he’s not into helping us so much any more. It’s giving me the guilts and that makes me feel so small and powerless.

We’ve no idea who else to ask. A thinks we should use someone anonymous…..I just don’t know. 

Today, mainly I am confused. 

A sign! 

  I found one of these cutie baby socks a few weeks ago, randomly on my hall floor. I excitedly showed A, proclaiming it a ‘sign’. Today I found its brother, mixed in with my socks. Now there have no visiting babies here for quite some time, so it’s definitely a sign, right? 

NHS 💙

Our tour of fertility clinics saw us at an NHS women’s hospital today. We almost didn’t go, having set our sights on a private fertility clinic (clinic #1) we had visited first at the beginning of this month. 

Boy am I glad we didn’t cancel! 

This is a busy NHS hospital, with waiting lists to reflect that, but we were seen five minutes before our appointment time and everyone was friendly, helpful and professional. It’s not shiny and new like clinic #1 but rather a well oiled, well used machine that has stood the test of time. I came away from this appointment with far more confidence and clarity than from the other two. And to top it off the appointment was free! Free! 

Not only that but all the tests I need, same as recommended by all 3 clinics reassuringly, are also free. This will save us approximately £1000 just on preliminary testing. We may even qualify for NHS funding for the treatment itself according to our doc, but even if we don’t iui’s and IVF come in at £400 cheaper a pop compared to the private clinics. 

The catch; next available appointment is the 9th of June. And to qualify for NHS funding, I need to be 20lbs/1.5 stone lighter, gulp. 

So it’s more of a wait than we wanted, but  it’s going to save us an awful lot of money (that we don’t have). And we can keep trying in the mean time with the home inseminations. 

No more feeling flat 😊

Ovulation

I finally got myself an lh surge on the morning of CD22 after spotting since CD 17 for no apparent reason, I was so releved but also totally confused! 

We had inseminated on CD 21 cuz I was having ewcm still and just wanted to feel like we were actually doing something to try for this baby even though I was upset thinking we had missed o somehow. When I got the solid smilie we then did another insem on the evening of CD22. Ideally we had wanted to insem on morning of CD 23 but sperm guy couldn’t make it so CD 22 it was. 
Not sure what I think of this cycle except confused. I don’t think I can be ovulating every cycle with the lengths varying so much and with this random bleeding. 

I had my follow up scan on Friday which was cd 19. No sign of anything untoward but I was bleeding quite a bit that day, my endometrium was very thick so the sonographer said possibly it could be hiding in there and my biggest follicle was only 14mm which was so disappointing considering I should have been about to ovulate. Frustratingly my GP has written me a letter telling me everything is totally normal, ummm, actually it’s not!!!!  

We visited another fertility clinic on Monday, and although it’s much closer to home (30 miles closer) which would save time and money, it was not a scratch on the other place. We’ve pretty much decided to use the first place we visited but have an appointment tomo at an NHS hospital that does some private care so will see how that pans out. It’s in the middle distance wise. 

Feeling flat. 

Gutted

I think I might have missed O. I’m on cd 19 which is when I’ve ovulated before but I’ve had some pinkish blood since cd 17 and I’ve had sore boobs and fertile cm for days. Cramping today. 

Clear blue duel hormone has been giving me a flashing smilie for 3 days and I’ve been waiting for the solid to plan the insemination. I expected it last night or this morning but no, it keeps flashing. Did a cheapie opk and its stark negative which is unusual for this point in my cycle, there’s normally a faint second line. 

Oh I wish I’d started temping, why am I not temping???? 

I’ve given sperm guy heads up for tomorrow or Sunday just in case. Oh please I hope I haven’t missed it. 

How to have a happy Sunday 

I woke up this morning feeling dejected. No weight loss on the scales. I know I can’t expect it everyday but I weighed this weight when I got married in May, and I want to be less than that now what with all my hard work. 

So i turned my mood around and I went for a two mile run in the muddy forest with my beautiful pup, then to a very sweaty spin class, cooked myself a delicious nutritious late breakfast and visualised myself at 11stone. Honestly I now feel on top of the world. I feel powerful and healthy and happy. 

This is me at 18 when I last weighed 11 stone, I can get back to this! Curvy stil yes, but I was hot! 

 
For breakfast today I did myself proud. In in the cruise phase of the dukan diet and in on a pp day so I made myself dukan eggs Benedict which is an oatbran galette (a bit like an omlette/crepe) with lean ham, poached egg and homemade hollandaise sauce which I made from mustard egg yolk skim milk quark and lemon juice. Delicious! 

  

Finally! 

This morning showed a loss on the scales, yay! Now I’m down to 13stone 10 which is a loss of 8lbs. Very happy with that considering this is day 9. 

  
I’ve been sticking rigidly to the rules and have been exercising. Swam 30 lengths last night to take me away from the temptations on my Christmas whiskey miniature sat on the counter. I wanted to leave that stuff out to prove my will power to myself but it makes it hard! 

We’ve decided to visit a fertility clinic that’s 30 miles closers I home. Although we love the other, ultimately the journey is going to get too much. So that’s another £200 for an initial consultation but I guess we’ve got to get used to spending money on this journey 🙈 

I’ll leave you with this mornings yummy very filling breakfast, spinach ham mushroom and corgette omlette, it was gorgeous.