#fuckyou

New found sense of perspective shattered by annoyingly thin and beautiful lesbians conceiving on their first insem… Gahhhh

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Getting over myself 

This week has been a roller coaster at work. A young person went through just about the most horrific trauma I can imagine someone could unintentionally inflict on themselves and a baby died. Unfortuently I have come across the death of a baby on many occasions, it is never easy and you never get blasé about such devastating loss of young life. This one has struck me a little harder, and has also had the side effect of giving me perspective and realising that sometimes the most important things you have to say can’t be said in words. 

Blogs are self indulgent in their very nature, I can be a selfish person and I think that’s fairly obvious in my last post. A and I have had some wonderful conversations this week and I’ve come to realise just how intense and how single minded I can be. She felt pressured to just agree with me so gave little time to her own thoughts and feelings. I need to learn to give her time, and to actually HEAR her. Looking back, it’s obvious I could have picked up on her unspoken thoughts. 

The flip side

Last week I was heartbroken that I hadn’t taken A’s feelings into consideration enough when choosing between known or anonymous donors. I felt guilty. 
Then last night I realised that she’s perfectly able to consider the topic and express her opinion herself and boy was I mad.

I was mad because I feel like I’ve been doing this on my own, with so little input from A. She’s not even properly considered what she wants or instigated a conversation about it. She’s not been with me to most of the inseminations, sometimes she’s not even asked how they went. She’s not known when the tww is over, asked if my period had come, if I should be doing a pregnancy test or not. She’s not got nervous or excited with me. I’ve been going to a strange house, inseminating myself on my own. It’s lonely and actually quite degrading. And pointless. It’s been pointless. She didn’t even want to use him and never put enough thought into the subject to realise that until 9 months later. 9. I’ve been putting someone else’s bodily fluids into me for 9 months. I feel dirty, betrayed and just bloody sad. 

Ttc isn’t easy, marriage isn’t easy. I feel guilty for writing these things, but it’s the truth. This blog is here as an outlet of emotion to help me deal with the ups and downs. So here it is, the ugly truth. There’s no pretending it’s all sunlight and roses and that arguments don’t happen. Especially when you’re ttc and are a hormonal mess. 

A’s not set out to hurt me, she’s just not as into it as I am. She loves me and she wants to have a family, but she doesn’t have that same urgency. I don’t even wish it on her; it’s all consuming and it’s not much fun! She’s taken a lot longer to work things out, I can’t really blame her for that, we all only human and she’s got a lot on her plate. I just wish this dirty feeling would go away. 

Oh, and it is CD1. 

The Amanda Plan

It’s good to talk. I knew I wanted to talk to my friends wife (Amanda) about ttc in a same sex relationship as she is the only person I know to have done just that. She and her ex wife conceived their daughter through an anonymous donor on their first attempt. 
I didn’t think talking to Amanda would do anything but to solidify the decisions we had already made, but instead she really made me see the situation from a different point of view. 

I have always been set on a known donor as I don’t want to deprive my children of knowing where they came from biologically if I could help it. Neither of us want to be a dad, so didn’t feel threatened by the idea of our children knowing him. I didn’t get why lesbians seemingly acted as though they had miraculously conceived of a child when clearly there was a bloke involved somewhere. Why not save the baby’s inevitable heartache and just have him around from the start. Take the mistery out if it; look there’s Richard* he’s the man who helped us make you. It seemed win win. But Amanda pointed out a few things, most notably;

 1) that the non bio mumma is at risk of feeling like less of a parent, baby’s got a bio mum and a bio dad, so who am I?? 

2) what happens when the baby wants ‘dad’ and after fostering a relationship with him we then are trying to explain to a 4 year old that yes, he is your biological father but he can’t/doesn’t want to/we don’t want him to actually parent you. And he doesn’t want you calling him dad like his other kids do, even the ones of his that aren’t his bio kids, because actually he just signs up to be our friend, our sperm guy, but not dad. 

Point one near on broke my heart. I have given this a lot of thought over the years, since way before I started actually thinking of having a family and have always tried to put the potential child’s best interest at the fore front of my mind.  But not A, my darling beautiful A. I didn’t stop and think, what about her feelings. She adores me, our puppy, my family, I absolutely know she will love our child wether or not it is biologically related to her. But for her to feel like a third wheel, like she’s not as equal a parent as me or Richard*, for her heart to break if the child wants to go to Richard rather than her, wow. How have I not considered this angle before? Once A and I had talked it through a thousand times, she admitted this had worried her and actually, she was much keener on going anoymous. Ok anoymous it is! However, to make matters more confusing we need to have been ttc for 12 months in order to qualify for funding for fertility treatment. So now we were in a right olé conundrum two days before O was due! 

After hours of debate and angst we decided to try one more month with Richard* as O was due and it didn’t feel right to do such a drastic U turn and miss out on a chance of our baby. But if this doesn’t work, and we do need fertility treatment, we would follow The Amanda Plan and go anoymous. 

Life, unfortunately, had other ideas, and sperm guy seems to have dumped us. FML. 

*sperm guys real name is not Richard. 

Dieting

Since January 1st I’ve lost 1 stone 2pounds! Whilst this is amazing I’ve still got a way to go and need to lose another 1 stone 5 pounds to get my BMI under 30, or ideally 2 stones 2 pounds to get to my target weight of 11 stone. 

That said I’ve been very naughty last night, and treated the wife and I to a curry, including naan and wine and my darling has just popped up to the cafe to get us some breakfast which I don’t imagine is dukan diet or even healthy diet friendly! 

I don’t feel guilty though, I’ve eaten well the rest of the week, exercised frequently and with gusto and I know having one naughty meal doesn’t mean giving up and eating without thought and care. Today I’m cycling about 20k with my beautiful pup and then tackling the house work, so I intend on burning off a few calories. Tonight I’m planning on cooking a healthy slimming world esq Thai green chicken curry, without the naan this time! Then Sunday through Friday I’ll be back on the dukan diet, I’m tending to do one veg and protein day (so I can have a baby Sunday roast, roast meat and carrot, mashed swede and broccoli, lush!) followed by 4-5 pure protein days then some normal food on Friday and/or Saturday. It’s a bit of a mix match of diets, but it’s working for me at the moment allowing me to be strict enough most of the week to lose weight whilst still allowing for some indulgence and sanity in the form of vegetables wine and carbohydrates! I may need to step it up after next weekend and get back to doing the dukan properly but we will see. 

The exercise front has been hit and miss, the spin classes at my gym keeps getting fully booked and I really like them and find I’m much more disciplined at attending them than going to the gym by myself. Last week I barely did any excercise because of this, so I got myself motivated this week. I had aimed to go every night, but due to leaving work very late twice I made it three times, which I’m actually happy with. Three gym sessions and one swim. I’ve managed to book on the spin class Sunday and Monday so next week should be off to a flying start. 

I’m determined to do this. I can do this. 

Tears before 9am

Today started out so well. I’ve officially lost a stone since 31/1/15, I had an excellent nights sleep and yesterday I taught my first ever guest lecture at a university which was quite frankly terrifying and so made today’s work seem a walk in the park. 

Then I had a very giggly excited phone call with my oldest and best friend, we tend to talk every morning on the way to work, and last night she shagged a boy after 10 years of lady love. So as you can imagine there was lots of squeeling going on, well up until the point when she mentioned that they used no contraception, and if she got pregnant she ‘wouldn’t keep it’. 

Oosh that hurt!