Last week I was heartbroken that I hadn’t taken A’s feelings into consideration enough when choosing between known or anonymous donors. I felt guilty.
Then last night I realised that she’s perfectly able to consider the topic and express her opinion herself and boy was I mad.
I was mad because I feel like I’ve been doing this on my own, with so little input from A. She’s not even properly considered what she wants or instigated a conversation about it. She’s not been with me to most of the inseminations, sometimes she’s not even asked how they went. She’s not known when the tww is over, asked if my period had come, if I should be doing a pregnancy test or not. She’s not got nervous or excited with me. I’ve been going to a strange house, inseminating myself on my own. It’s lonely and actually quite degrading. And pointless. It’s been pointless. She didn’t even want to use him and never put enough thought into the subject to realise that until 9 months later. 9. I’ve been putting someone else’s bodily fluids into me for 9 months. I feel dirty, betrayed and just bloody sad.
Ttc isn’t easy, marriage isn’t easy. I feel guilty for writing these things, but it’s the truth. This blog is here as an outlet of emotion to help me deal with the ups and downs. So here it is, the ugly truth. There’s no pretending it’s all sunlight and roses and that arguments don’t happen. Especially when you’re ttc and are a hormonal mess.
A’s not set out to hurt me, she’s just not as into it as I am. She loves me and she wants to have a family, but she doesn’t have that same urgency. I don’t even wish it on her; it’s all consuming and it’s not much fun! She’s taken a lot longer to work things out, I can’t really blame her for that, we all only human and she’s got a lot on her plate. I just wish this dirty feeling would go away.
Oh, and it is CD1.