Low

Im having a bad day. 

I feel low and flat. 

Weight loss is not going well. I need to sort myself out. It just feels like it’s never going to happen so what’s the point. Gah. 

We’re going round to our donors tonight for food. We’re breaking up with them and I feel bad about it, frustrated and  apprehensive. A was adamant she was going to arrange telling them but she never did. Times moving on and we can’t just leave them hanging so I suggested meeting up and bringing food over (they have small kids so it’s easier for them that way). She’s got a lot on with uni and work but still. 

A works weekends and I work in the week. Weekends have started to get a bit lonely. I want my wife. 

In on cd 3. My cycle lasted 38 days! Wtf??? And it’s so fucking painful. I’m beginning to think I’ve got endometriosis. Irregular bleeding, irregular length cycles, cramping up to two weeks before my period, very heavy painful periods, tummy trouble…. 

Everyone’s pregnant or having babies. Not me, I’m not. Trying to be happy for my friends, but I’m just plain jealous. 

I need my mojo back! I need my positivity and drive. I think I may need to start going to slimming world or something. I need focus. If I can lose weight it’s going to improve my chances, so it should help me feel like I’m working towards our goal of becoming mummy’s. Maybe I need to take A with me, to help that feeling of togetherness. 

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4 thoughts on “Low

  1. You have a lot of goals at the moment, the weight loss and the baby thing – there is a lot of focus on stuff that isn’t easy – is there anything else? Try and think up some lovely things to focus on, other stuff that will make you feel like you’re achieving something, but that is a little more enjoyable and easier to achieve. You’re going through a hard time at the moment, sometimes it’s just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, but also to try and identify some things that will also make you feel lovely.

    While we were TTC, it felt like it was going on forever, and it felt exhausting and we felt emotionally bruised and battered. But there came an end to that stage (only to lead us on to the next phase of our battering) … I think sometimes these journeys we choose for ourselves are hard, and we need to remember to add some joy, don’t let the year slip away with nothing but memories of difficulty and disappointment – which is what 2015 feels like it was for me.

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    1. Yeah normally I’m quite good at remembering to live and not just get bogged down by the waiting and what’s not happening but sometimes it’s just hard and I just feel… Flat. But tomorrow’s a new day! I think I’m gong to plan us a holiday for May, so we can have fun and relax before the appointment in June xxx

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