Fertility counselling 

I had massively bigged this appointment up in my head as the really real official for sure its gunna happen fo reals start in our ttc journey. Ok, maybe not just in my head either, I pretty much told everyone! This was it!

We got to graduate you see, from gynae clinic to The Fertility Centre. It has its own reception and everything. It seemed a big deal! I even took the day off work. Slight regrets. 

We arrived 20 or so minutes early and pretty much ran up the stairs to the clinic. Through the double doors to the reception and proudly announced we had an appointment. They had our notes ready, a set each, eek! And then through the other set of doors to the long awaited fertility clinic. 

Ok so I expected something a little more geleemy. It was a bit of a hole, a corridor with no end point and rows of chairs. A depressing coffee machine and ‘lost families’ on repeat. Probs not the best choice (just sayin’) 

we waited a good 40 minutes to be called but we didn’t mind (we took a couple of selfies and even spotted a couple of other lesbos!) and then it was our turn! 

We followed the nice lady in eagerly. Into a hot tiny typically nhs non room, full of Windows and too low furniture and then she made some bad joke about why we were there. Mmmm. Ok now I was off my game. I can do jokey but this is not joke to me, this is my life lady. It just got worse, so some bad info about IVF, of which she clearly she has no idea. Worse info about how to tell your child they were conceived! Show them this book! That’ll do! (What about the love and blood and sweat and courage and and and!) and the really bad so terribly awful non info about our funding! I’m not even going to go there but she gave us her pointless opinion on possibly the most important financial status we wil ever go through with no knowledge no facts and without considering the impact her speculating may have.

I love the NHS. But jobs like hers would save us a shit load of money.

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Making space 

Last week of July on the Friday we received two letters from our fertility clinic. The first one was basically an apology from our consultant because it turns out my local ccg won’t fund IVF if your fsh is above 10. Mine was 12.4…. 

The second was my amh levels which are 4.5…. I am 28 years old. This is not good and indicates a low Ovarian reserve for my age, closer to someone in their 40s. BUT the letter also said that my local ccg would consider funding IVF as long as amh was over 3! 

The next day we recieved a third letter with an appointment for fertility counselling which is later this month! 

Now, I have no idea what is going on. I don’t know if we will get funding or not, I have no idea what my odds are of actually conceiving. I’ve no idea if this means I’ll be going through menopause early or if this is why I bleed between my periods and have crazy (new) mood swings. I don’t know if it is bad news (I now have a fertility problem) or good news (I now may get some funding for fertility treatment). Should I be happy or sad? 

There’s so much research I should do, so many decisions I might have to make, so much that could happen…. And I’ve decided to just let it go. I can’t predict or control this. Can’t change the outcome by studying hard. Knowledge is power I believe that. But right now I don’t think knowledge will help me, over thinking over analysing and all the ‘what ifs’are not going to help me. 

I can get myself healthy, and I’m doing that. I’m going to slimming world, I’m exercising like a daemon and loving it. I’m enjoying life, I’m living, I’m not waiting anxiously and stressing myself out. I want this, I want this so bad, but I’m not going to make myself unwell with stress and worry as I know that just won’t help. Instead I’m going to just look forward. I’m making my life ready for our baby, I’m shaping their place in the world. We’re making space. We ditched the spare bed. I bought a parenting mag. We’re talking names. 

We might get funding, we might pay, we might have good chances or bad, we might get lucky or be unlucky. No one knows. We will be mamas though, I know that 💞