Making space 

Last week of July on the Friday we received two letters from our fertility clinic. The first one was basically an apology from our consultant because it turns out my local ccg won’t fund IVF if your fsh is above 10. Mine was 12.4…. 

The second was my amh levels which are 4.5…. I am 28 years old. This is not good and indicates a low Ovarian reserve for my age, closer to someone in their 40s. BUT the letter also said that my local ccg would consider funding IVF as long as amh was over 3! 

The next day we recieved a third letter with an appointment for fertility counselling which is later this month! 

Now, I have no idea what is going on. I don’t know if we will get funding or not, I have no idea what my odds are of actually conceiving. I’ve no idea if this means I’ll be going through menopause early or if this is why I bleed between my periods and have crazy (new) mood swings. I don’t know if it is bad news (I now have a fertility problem) or good news (I now may get some funding for fertility treatment). Should I be happy or sad? 

There’s so much research I should do, so many decisions I might have to make, so much that could happen…. And I’ve decided to just let it go. I can’t predict or control this. Can’t change the outcome by studying hard. Knowledge is power I believe that. But right now I don’t think knowledge will help me, over thinking over analysing and all the ‘what ifs’are not going to help me. 

I can get myself healthy, and I’m doing that. I’m going to slimming world, I’m exercising like a daemon and loving it. I’m enjoying life, I’m living, I’m not waiting anxiously and stressing myself out. I want this, I want this so bad, but I’m not going to make myself unwell with stress and worry as I know that just won’t help. Instead I’m going to just look forward. I’m making my life ready for our baby, I’m shaping their place in the world. We’re making space. We ditched the spare bed. I bought a parenting mag. We’re talking names. 

We might get funding, we might pay, we might have good chances or bad, we might get lucky or be unlucky. No one knows. We will be mamas though, I know that 💞

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