A little love letter 

31/5/17My baby,

You are a 19 weeks old foetus tomorrow, which means it is 17 weeks since the egg that made up half of you met the sperm that made up the other half and you started to become you. I guess the egg had been maturing for a couple of weeks prior to meeting its other half hence the 19 weeks, but who knows, maybe it’s just to make us pregnant people feel better about being so knackered because hey, look how pregnant we are! 
Being pregnant with you is my dream come true. You’re making me a mother, something I’ve dreamed of for years and something that feels like it’s still a dream to be honest, I can’t really believe that you’ll be coming to meet us soon, earth side. I’ve felt you move this last couple of weeks, but today I felt your squirms and worms so strongly, I like to think they were proper kicks. It felt like strong twitches or being flicked if you’re interested! It was so magical, such a beautiful feeling. Oh I don’t know what the point of this is except to say you are so wanted, you are so loved by me and your mummy and we can’t wait to meet you. 
We are busy preparing for that day. We are so excited, as are all of your family! So far we have planned your nursery and mummy is in the process of washing the walls ready for painting them. Your cot arrived yesterday and your Moses basket is on the way. We’ve bought some clothes, and a sling to love you in. We are trying to think of your name, are you Lucca or Rupert? Or Dahlia or Matilda?  
I can’t wait to meet you, to know you, to love you 💛

Ivf-who to tell

With my family and close friends I’m incredibly open about all aspects of my life. I see no point in pretence and if I’m going through something challenging or difficult I will often seek advice from many different people to help me come to my own conclusion. As a child I would constantly ask questions if I didn’t understand something and this would be reflected in school reports etc. So naturally even before ttc, having a family was a subject I had already talked about time and time again with many different people and many people know of our ivf attempt. 

I have found it a great relief to talk to people about how I am feeling, have received a lot of support and have found it helps me a lot though often I can’t get across just how significant this is for me. My wife asked me not to tell anyone about our positive result until otd which is tomorrow. She doesn’t and hasn’t asked for a lot so I was happy to do this, though if left to me I would have told all of our inner circle straight away! So no one knows except us. The strange thing for me is that since I’ve known it’s positive I’ve obviously relaxed a lot, stopped asking advice or talking out my stress and worry and generally needed less support, and no one seems to have noticed! My best friends have just left me to it and I find it so strange because if I didn’t know the outcome (which is what they all believe) I would be going fucking insane and crying at them, talking at them and generally needing support. I don’t quite get how they don’t know that I know! And I’m upset that I thought they got how much I want this, and I thought they got how much this has taken over my world that ‘being normal’ could only ever be pretend right now. Maybe they’re just grateful for the peace and quiet! 

Anyway, where I’m going with this is that infertility, ttc, ivf, is something I think that only those going through it can understand. That desire is all encompassing, the process overwhelming and you just can’t think of anything else. I’m glad I found this little world where I can read your stories and know that others feel the same, that we’re not alone. 

12dp2dt

  
Different test again, still positive. Still faint but it’s early right??? Really hope those levels are rising and that babe/babies are settling in tight.

Symptoms wise I’m knackered. Tired behind my eyes by 4pm and we’ve been in bed by 9.30-10! My wife is knackered too but she’s on a new placement and gets up at 5am to walk the dogs. I’ve been on dog walk rest during ivf but my shifts will resume next week!!! 

 I’m still cramping, though not as often as before. Yesterday I had two cramps hours apart that were very strong though and that scared me. 

I’ve had some pangs of nausea too though I know it’s too early for that they’re definitely there! 

Sore boobs and mild wind discomfort which I’m attributing to the pessaries. 

I plan on telling a few people from the off, people who I would want to know and who would support us no matter what outcome; my parents and closest friends and A plans on telling her sister and mum. Plan is to wait for otd just to make sure….and its nice having this secret! 

11dp2dt

Now I’ve started testing I can’t stop! Yesterday afternoon panic set in that the trigger could still be in my system and that’s what the positive test was showing (yesterday, when I got the + it was 14 days since trigger). Luckily enough I had enough tests to do one a day up until otd with the test provided by the clinic so I planned to do one this morning. 

One of my really good friends had given me a couple of tests that she had left over. So I used one of them. It showed positive but was super super faint! Gah! Problem was there was no instructions and I’m not sure how old it was. So I did another test of the same brand I used yesterday and thankfully it was a stronger positive than I saw yesterday! Perhaps this brand is more sensitive or perhaps they’re just newer… either way I’m glad I had that second one to reassure me. 

  

The very faint positive on the test from my friend. I don’t like looking at this photo! If you look closely though there is a | in the square shaped window which = positive 

  

My repeat test, same brand as yesterday, much stronger! If it was negative the + would be a – in the circle shaped window. 

I’ve got a digital too, those scare me more as in my head they’re the least sensitive and give you a stark pregnant/not pregnant rather than a line you can interpret yourself. I’m saving that one for Friday I think, the day before otd. 

Hang in there baby! ❤

Positive ❤

I caved. 6am this morning, 10dp2dt and 4 days before otd and I only bloody got a positive test!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it and cannot put into words how happy I am. I know this is early but today, I am pregnant.

I’ve read sooooo many of these posts, but honestly, I didn’t think I would be writing one. I still feel as if af is coming though I’ve been reassured by so many people that they felt like that initially too.  

 
It’s faint, but it’s there. Positive! Please baby, please hang around. You are so loved already ❤

2ww

Today I am 7 days post 2 day transfer 7dp2dt with two embryos, one three cell one four…. a week today is optimum test day…. 

Symptoms

It’s been impossible not to symptom spot, how anyone can’t I have no idea because I know that two potential babies were transferred into my body last week how can I not think of them and what they might be up to. 

My most noticeable symptom is cramping. This is simultaneously exciting and devastating. One of my best friends maintains that just before she found out she was pregnant with her first she was convinced her period was coming due to the cramps, and initially the cramps I experienced were similar to period pain but different they were randomly intense and sharp followed by nothing. It felt reassuring like something was deffo happening down there. Then on Wednesday which was 4dp2dp, I felt this deep throbbing sensation on an off throughout the afternoon to the right of my uterus. I am so hopeful this was implantation as the embryos would be 6 days old it was certainly possible! 

Last night the cramps got a bit too familiar however, and the ones I’ve experienced this morning just feel like that dull my period is coming soon type sensation. Grr. 

On at least two occasions I’ve felt strong bouts of nausea and sort of light headed. And I’ve noticed I’m more tired, like a behind the eyes tired I can’t shift. But this could be stress related or to do with the fact I’m waking regularly through the night.

I’ve also had this strange feeling where it feels my hearts skipping a beat. This I’m attributing to anxiety! I don’t suffer with it normally, or any mental health type things, but ivf is stressful and I want this so badly it’s bound to have an affect. Plus pumping yourself full of hormones can leave one feeling not quite themselves. 

Sore boobs yes but I had them before the transfer due to the progesterone. 

And in other stupidness 

I brought a summer dress that will look amazing with a bump. 

My potential babies due date is my cousins brithday. She is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out, super cool and training to be a DR. That’s a good birthday pal. 

When to test

Dr google has informed me that the trigger shot should be out my system for sure by two weeks. Thats Tuesday. Tuesday the 14th! Valentine’s Day. That’s when I want to test. I would be 10dp2dt. I’m still not sure as I don’t want the stress of seeing a negative that could still turn to a positive, as official test date is tuesday the 18th when I would be 14dp2dt…. decisions decisions…. any advice welcome! 

A grain of sand in a jam sandwich 

Yesterday we transferred two of our three embryos, on day two. One was a three cell, one a four with some fragmentation. Not top quality, but not terrible either.

Our NHS fertility clinic has a strict single embryo transfer policy. It was reiterated to us time and time again that only one would be transferred. So, naturally, we wondered if having two transferred means it’s game over. 

But

1.when they called first thing Saturday morning they said all embryos were at three cell. An hour and a half later when we were there for transfer one had developed to four cell. Clever thing. 

2.When I was told it could be a day two transfer instead of worry, it just felt right and I felt excited. It felt right because I had four days off work after to recover and chill, had transfer been Tuesday I’d either have been stressing trying to arrange time off or had to go straight to work. It felt right because it meant A not missing any of her placement in order to come with me (she’s only on her second week of a 5 month placement) and mostly it felt right because I wanted them back in me, with me. 

3. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. In February. These babies are our summer. 

4. These last few days/weeks I’ve just known that somewhere along the line there was going to be two babies. Wether this is just at this stage when two were   transferred and we never get to see a positive test let alone two heartbeats on a scan I don’t know. But when they rang me Friday with the update, I knew two would be coming back to me, and yesterday when we were in the theatre talking to the embryologist and she was going on about the one four cell I barely heard her as I was just waiting to hear about the second we were transferring. 

So, transfer itself

I was told to come with a partially full bladder by first having a wee then drinking a pint of water two hours before and then not weeing until after transfer. Do this. Don’t do what I did, which was worry it wouldn’t be full enough and drink a cup of decaf tea and a litre of water and then look and feel so bloody uncomfortable that one of the nurses comes to sit with you cuz she thinks your about to breakdown! I went and did about four ‘half a wee’ and believe me it’s not easy. Sheesh. 

Once I was slightly more comfortable we got called through to the theatre when I had my collection. We sat on two small stools and first the embryologist and then the nurse carrying out the transfer came to talk to us. The it was bottoms off and into the stirrups. A sat next to me holding my hand the whole time. Speculum in and some fiddling around up there with swabs or something and then a catheter into the cervix. All uncomfortable but nothing too bad. Cold jelly on my belly and a scan of my uterus (and hugely full bladder, oops) and then they called through to the lab to say we’re ready for the embryos. They got passed through after a few minutes, up the tube into my uterus (flash of light on the scan apparently) and we were done. Went relatively easily apparently. Everything was left in place for a few minutes while the lab checked the embryos were out of the tube and then the speculum was out and everyone was done. The nurse said I can get up and dressed and I looked at her like really?? Won’t they fall out?! Like throwing a couple of grains of sand into a jam sandwich apparently. Not budging.