It’s good to talk. I knew I wanted to talk to my friends wife (Amanda) about ttc in a same sex relationship as she is the only person I know to have done just that. She and her ex wife conceived their daughter through an anonymous donor on their first attempt.
I didn’t think talking to Amanda would do anything but to solidify the decisions we had already made, but instead she really made me see the situation from a different point of view.
I have always been set on a known donor as I don’t want to deprive my children of knowing where they came from biologically if I could help it. Neither of us want to be a dad, so didn’t feel threatened by the idea of our children knowing him. I didn’t get why lesbians seemingly acted as though they had miraculously conceived of a child when clearly there was a bloke involved somewhere. Why not save the baby’s inevitable heartache and just have him around from the start. Take the mistery out if it; look there’s Richard* he’s the man who helped us make you. It seemed win win. But Amanda pointed out a few things, most notably;
1) that the non bio mumma is at risk of feeling like less of a parent, baby’s got a bio mum and a bio dad, so who am I??
2) what happens when the baby wants ‘dad’ and after fostering a relationship with him we then are trying to explain to a 4 year old that yes, he is your biological father but he can’t/doesn’t want to/we don’t want him to actually parent you. And he doesn’t want you calling him dad like his other kids do, even the ones of his that aren’t his bio kids, because actually he just signs up to be our friend, our sperm guy, but not dad.
Point one near on broke my heart. I have given this a lot of thought over the years, since way before I started actually thinking of having a family and have always tried to put the potential child’s best interest at the fore front of my mind. But not A, my darling beautiful A. I didn’t stop and think, what about her feelings. She adores me, our puppy, my family, I absolutely know she will love our child wether or not it is biologically related to her. But for her to feel like a third wheel, like she’s not as equal a parent as me or Richard*, for her heart to break if the child wants to go to Richard rather than her, wow. How have I not considered this angle before? Once A and I had talked it through a thousand times, she admitted this had worried her and actually, she was much keener on going anoymous. Ok anoymous it is! However, to make matters more confusing we need to have been ttc for 12 months in order to qualify for funding for fertility treatment. So now we were in a right olé conundrum two days before O was due!
After hours of debate and angst we decided to try one more month with Richard* as O was due and it didn’t feel right to do such a drastic U turn and miss out on a chance of our baby. But if this doesn’t work, and we do need fertility treatment, we would follow The Amanda Plan and go anoymous.
Life, unfortunately, had other ideas, and sperm guy seems to have dumped us. FML.
*sperm guys real name is not Richard.