Bleeding hell

For a long while now I’ve had bleeding between my periods. My cycles are regular in that they’re frequent but the length of my cycle is inconsistent, ranging from 24-36 days. 

The bleeding, approx halfway through my cycle, started as a pinkish loss on wiping. It’s steadily increased to a red brown or pink loss that requires me to wear a panty liner, and is still halfway through my cycle. It’s gone from being on one occasion to lasting a few days. This cycle I’ve had a steady small loss lasting 7 days! It is not a period. I do have very mild cramping.

I’ve had pelvic scans +++ and a hsg. I’ve had speculums and smears and swabs. All clear. 

What could it be? Does anyone have any experience of this?

The Amanda Plan

It’s good to talk. I knew I wanted to talk to my friends wife (Amanda) about ttc in a same sex relationship as she is the only person I know to have done just that. She and her ex wife conceived their daughter through an anonymous donor on their first attempt. 
I didn’t think talking to Amanda would do anything but to solidify the decisions we had already made, but instead she really made me see the situation from a different point of view. 

I have always been set on a known donor as I don’t want to deprive my children of knowing where they came from biologically if I could help it. Neither of us want to be a dad, so didn’t feel threatened by the idea of our children knowing him. I didn’t get why lesbians seemingly acted as though they had miraculously conceived of a child when clearly there was a bloke involved somewhere. Why not save the baby’s inevitable heartache and just have him around from the start. Take the mistery out if it; look there’s Richard* he’s the man who helped us make you. It seemed win win. But Amanda pointed out a few things, most notably;

 1) that the non bio mumma is at risk of feeling like less of a parent, baby’s got a bio mum and a bio dad, so who am I?? 

2) what happens when the baby wants ‘dad’ and after fostering a relationship with him we then are trying to explain to a 4 year old that yes, he is your biological father but he can’t/doesn’t want to/we don’t want him to actually parent you. And he doesn’t want you calling him dad like his other kids do, even the ones of his that aren’t his bio kids, because actually he just signs up to be our friend, our sperm guy, but not dad. 

Point one near on broke my heart. I have given this a lot of thought over the years, since way before I started actually thinking of having a family and have always tried to put the potential child’s best interest at the fore front of my mind.  But not A, my darling beautiful A. I didn’t stop and think, what about her feelings. She adores me, our puppy, my family, I absolutely know she will love our child wether or not it is biologically related to her. But for her to feel like a third wheel, like she’s not as equal a parent as me or Richard*, for her heart to break if the child wants to go to Richard rather than her, wow. How have I not considered this angle before? Once A and I had talked it through a thousand times, she admitted this had worried her and actually, she was much keener on going anoymous. Ok anoymous it is! However, to make matters more confusing we need to have been ttc for 12 months in order to qualify for funding for fertility treatment. So now we were in a right olé conundrum two days before O was due! 

After hours of debate and angst we decided to try one more month with Richard* as O was due and it didn’t feel right to do such a drastic U turn and miss out on a chance of our baby. But if this doesn’t work, and we do need fertility treatment, we would follow The Amanda Plan and go anoymous. 

Life, unfortunately, had other ideas, and sperm guy seems to have dumped us. FML. 

*sperm guys real name is not Richard. 

Ovulation

I finally got myself an lh surge on the morning of CD22 after spotting since CD 17 for no apparent reason, I was so releved but also totally confused! 

We had inseminated on CD 21 cuz I was having ewcm still and just wanted to feel like we were actually doing something to try for this baby even though I was upset thinking we had missed o somehow. When I got the solid smilie we then did another insem on the evening of CD22. Ideally we had wanted to insem on morning of CD 23 but sperm guy couldn’t make it so CD 22 it was. 
Not sure what I think of this cycle except confused. I don’t think I can be ovulating every cycle with the lengths varying so much and with this random bleeding. 

I had my follow up scan on Friday which was cd 19. No sign of anything untoward but I was bleeding quite a bit that day, my endometrium was very thick so the sonographer said possibly it could be hiding in there and my biggest follicle was only 14mm which was so disappointing considering I should have been about to ovulate. Frustratingly my GP has written me a letter telling me everything is totally normal, ummm, actually it’s not!!!!  

We visited another fertility clinic on Monday, and although it’s much closer to home (30 miles closer) which would save time and money, it was not a scratch on the other place. We’ve pretty much decided to use the first place we visited but have an appointment tomo at an NHS hospital that does some private care so will see how that pans out. It’s in the middle distance wise. 

Feeling flat. 

Let’s talk about sperm

Ttc cycle #5 is underway. We did two inseminations this time, one 12 hours after lh surge began and one 36 hours. 

Obviously those samples were quite close together. I had planned to ‘pre load’ if you like by inseminating before the lh surge started and then inseminating again roughly 12 hours after lh surge began but it surprised me a day early. 

Now I’m no more a fan of spunk than the next lesbian, but I’ve got several spunk related questions swimming around my head. The first sample was a whopping 3.5mls, the second less than a measly 1ml! 

Now I know quantity does not reflect quality, that there are millions of sperm in each sample (hopefully) when it only takes one and I know it was the second sample he had given in two days but seriously?! I just don’t see how I can get pregnant from less than a ml, for a start half of it seems to get lost in the syringe, and then when I am finally brave enough to stand upright, it feels like gallons of the stuff runs right back out! I want the bloody stuff to stay up there thanks very much, I mean how do women get pregnant standing up?! What with gravity and everything how do women get pregnant at all?! If only a ml goes up there, then most of it falls back out half an hour later, how much spunk does one require? Jeeze

Cd14 cycle 5 

Yesterday we got an appointment through for an infertility clinic initial consultation and I was so damn excited! It’s not until the end of January which doesn’t seem too bad to me but I’m not sure what wait to have expected. It’s NHS based although we will be paying privately, and it does seem to work out cheaper in theory than the private clinics though we shall see.

We haven’t yet booked an appointment with the private clinic we like the sound of and I’m not sure why. I suppose part of it is wanting to get this polyp issue sorted and another is that we still hope and believe that AI at home should work if we do. 

This cycle may be a bit tricky as I seem to ovulate on CD19 and on CD 21 our sperm guy is jetting off to Portugal. Obviously if I ovulate when I think I will this will be ok but I am worried it will be a dud. Started getting the flashing smilie today which is Cd14 to signify high fertility so fingers crossed o happens before my spermies leave the country! X

See you soon Hope

Hope is such cruel tormenter. I was so positive this month worked, I knew my body and knew I felt different this time. And what was the harm in letting hope in anyway, especially as I was pregnant so hope would just turn into joy soon enough! 

The first blow came the day I realised I had sensitive boobs. Most people say that’s a good thing right? But my boobs feel the same every month, in the week before my period. The familiar ache dashed hope immediately…but you can’t stop hope! And I ended up thinking to myself, oh gosh, pregnancy symptoms and AF symptoms are as similar as everyone says! Because clearly hope was still winning this emotional battle. After another couple of days of hoping, I did a pregnancy test, many days too early because, after all, I was so pregnant it was going to be one of those super early super positive tests everybody chats about on ttc forums wondering if it’s twins! Obviously it was negative, but hope still couldn’t be stopped. Even when my cm changed, just the way it does every month before AF comes…and even on CD1 which happened to be 10DP0, hope was there, cruelly suggesting that it could just be implantation bleeding. 

Now is cd2 and I am sad. I’m sad to let go of my hope even though she’s treated me rather badly. I know I’ll see her again soon. Wow the 2ww is hard! 

3rd time lucky?! 

  I am literally so excited to see this gorgeous little face! This is my first positive ovulation test since I started POAS many months ago. I had started to think there was something wrong, but a colleague pointed out that I was probably just testing at the wrong time of day and missing it, especially as when I’m working I’m away for 14+ hours. So I changed it and hey presto… Ovulation a go! 
We also inseminated today 😍 it’s cd 19 for me, and we inseminated on cd 17 already (my cycles are around 33 days) and had planned to do cd 22 (as sperm guy can’t do cd 21) but that seems pointless now so we’re going to do cd 20 (tomorrow). 

I’m also so reassured that the reason we’ve had no luck so far is timing. I know it’s only been three months and that’s nothing but still I am a tad over dramatic (I was googling pituitary gland tumors today….). Our previous inseminations have been on cd 11, 12, 15 and 25. All no where near ovulation and looking back all rather silly shots in the dark! I guess this stuff takes practice right?? 

Anyway, sperm, meet egg! Now do your thing 😍