Sad

We’ve got two round of fresh IVF on the NHS guys! I am so grateful! Yes I pay my taxes and work endless unpaid hours in the NHS but I still did not expect this and ultimately I am grateful for the chance.

5 month wait for sperm… Didn’t expect that…

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Low

Im having a bad day. 

I feel low and flat. 

Weight loss is not going well. I need to sort myself out. It just feels like it’s never going to happen so what’s the point. Gah. 

We’re going round to our donors tonight for food. We’re breaking up with them and I feel bad about it, frustrated and  apprehensive. A was adamant she was going to arrange telling them but she never did. Times moving on and we can’t just leave them hanging so I suggested meeting up and bringing food over (they have small kids so it’s easier for them that way). She’s got a lot on with uni and work but still. 

A works weekends and I work in the week. Weekends have started to get a bit lonely. I want my wife. 

In on cd 3. My cycle lasted 38 days! Wtf??? And it’s so fucking painful. I’m beginning to think I’ve got endometriosis. Irregular bleeding, irregular length cycles, cramping up to two weeks before my period, very heavy painful periods, tummy trouble…. 

Everyone’s pregnant or having babies. Not me, I’m not. Trying to be happy for my friends, but I’m just plain jealous. 

I need my mojo back! I need my positivity and drive. I think I may need to start going to slimming world or something. I need focus. If I can lose weight it’s going to improve my chances, so it should help me feel like I’m working towards our goal of becoming mummy’s. Maybe I need to take A with me, to help that feeling of togetherness. 

The Amanda Plan

It’s good to talk. I knew I wanted to talk to my friends wife (Amanda) about ttc in a same sex relationship as she is the only person I know to have done just that. She and her ex wife conceived their daughter through an anonymous donor on their first attempt. 
I didn’t think talking to Amanda would do anything but to solidify the decisions we had already made, but instead she really made me see the situation from a different point of view. 

I have always been set on a known donor as I don’t want to deprive my children of knowing where they came from biologically if I could help it. Neither of us want to be a dad, so didn’t feel threatened by the idea of our children knowing him. I didn’t get why lesbians seemingly acted as though they had miraculously conceived of a child when clearly there was a bloke involved somewhere. Why not save the baby’s inevitable heartache and just have him around from the start. Take the mistery out if it; look there’s Richard* he’s the man who helped us make you. It seemed win win. But Amanda pointed out a few things, most notably;

 1) that the non bio mumma is at risk of feeling like less of a parent, baby’s got a bio mum and a bio dad, so who am I?? 

2) what happens when the baby wants ‘dad’ and after fostering a relationship with him we then are trying to explain to a 4 year old that yes, he is your biological father but he can’t/doesn’t want to/we don’t want him to actually parent you. And he doesn’t want you calling him dad like his other kids do, even the ones of his that aren’t his bio kids, because actually he just signs up to be our friend, our sperm guy, but not dad. 

Point one near on broke my heart. I have given this a lot of thought over the years, since way before I started actually thinking of having a family and have always tried to put the potential child’s best interest at the fore front of my mind.  But not A, my darling beautiful A. I didn’t stop and think, what about her feelings. She adores me, our puppy, my family, I absolutely know she will love our child wether or not it is biologically related to her. But for her to feel like a third wheel, like she’s not as equal a parent as me or Richard*, for her heart to break if the child wants to go to Richard rather than her, wow. How have I not considered this angle before? Once A and I had talked it through a thousand times, she admitted this had worried her and actually, she was much keener on going anoymous. Ok anoymous it is! However, to make matters more confusing we need to have been ttc for 12 months in order to qualify for funding for fertility treatment. So now we were in a right olé conundrum two days before O was due! 

After hours of debate and angst we decided to try one more month with Richard* as O was due and it didn’t feel right to do such a drastic U turn and miss out on a chance of our baby. But if this doesn’t work, and we do need fertility treatment, we would follow The Amanda Plan and go anoymous. 

Life, unfortunately, had other ideas, and sperm guy seems to have dumped us. FML. 

*sperm guys real name is not Richard. 

Again and again 

Cd1. How many times?? I didn’t cry today because I’ve had period pains for two days now and had a meltdown last night which got it all out. My poor A bore the brunt yet again, seriously love that girl.

This cycle was 31 days, last was 26. I’m so confused with it all so I’ve started temping now so I can try and work out if and when ovulation is actually happening. I put it off for a while, originally cuz of working shift work my temps just didn’t make sense but now in 9-5 so I should get a decent pattern. 

Right now Were seriously reconsidering our sperm guy. 

I’m fed up of feeling like I owe them. 

We, mainly I, want to use a known donor as morally I feel our child has a right to grow up knowing where he or she came from genetically speaking. Neither of us want to be a dad so don’t feel threatened by the idea of our child having a third or even forth ‘parent’. We’re relaxed about terms and contact, and would just see what evolved naturally. No pressure. But these guys were using now, our friends, well I feel like we’re getting on their nerves and that he’s not into helping us so much any more. It’s giving me the guilts and that makes me feel so small and powerless.

We’ve no idea who else to ask. A thinks we should use someone anonymous…..I just don’t know. 

Today, mainly I am confused.