Positive ❤

I caved. 6am this morning, 10dp2dt and 4 days before otd and I only bloody got a positive test!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it and cannot put into words how happy I am. I know this is early but today, I am pregnant.

I’ve read sooooo many of these posts, but honestly, I didn’t think I would be writing one. I still feel as if af is coming though I’ve been reassured by so many people that they felt like that initially too.  

 
It’s faint, but it’s there. Positive! Please baby, please hang around. You are so loved already ❤

2ww

Today I am 7 days post 2 day transfer 7dp2dt with two embryos, one three cell one four…. a week today is optimum test day…. 

Symptoms

It’s been impossible not to symptom spot, how anyone can’t I have no idea because I know that two potential babies were transferred into my body last week how can I not think of them and what they might be up to. 

My most noticeable symptom is cramping. This is simultaneously exciting and devastating. One of my best friends maintains that just before she found out she was pregnant with her first she was convinced her period was coming due to the cramps, and initially the cramps I experienced were similar to period pain but different they were randomly intense and sharp followed by nothing. It felt reassuring like something was deffo happening down there. Then on Wednesday which was 4dp2dp, I felt this deep throbbing sensation on an off throughout the afternoon to the right of my uterus. I am so hopeful this was implantation as the embryos would be 6 days old it was certainly possible! 

Last night the cramps got a bit too familiar however, and the ones I’ve experienced this morning just feel like that dull my period is coming soon type sensation. Grr. 

On at least two occasions I’ve felt strong bouts of nausea and sort of light headed. And I’ve noticed I’m more tired, like a behind the eyes tired I can’t shift. But this could be stress related or to do with the fact I’m waking regularly through the night.

I’ve also had this strange feeling where it feels my hearts skipping a beat. This I’m attributing to anxiety! I don’t suffer with it normally, or any mental health type things, but ivf is stressful and I want this so badly it’s bound to have an affect. Plus pumping yourself full of hormones can leave one feeling not quite themselves. 

Sore boobs yes but I had them before the transfer due to the progesterone. 

And in other stupidness 

I brought a summer dress that will look amazing with a bump. 

My potential babies due date is my cousins brithday. She is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out, super cool and training to be a DR. That’s a good birthday pal. 

When to test

Dr google has informed me that the trigger shot should be out my system for sure by two weeks. Thats Tuesday. Tuesday the 14th! Valentine’s Day. That’s when I want to test. I would be 10dp2dt. I’m still not sure as I don’t want the stress of seeing a negative that could still turn to a positive, as official test date is tuesday the 18th when I would be 14dp2dt…. decisions decisions…. any advice welcome! 

Ah fucking fuck it

Two week wait. Spoiler; its fucking hard!!!!

It’s only day 4 since egg collection. My little embryos should still be under the watchful eye of the clinic. But they’re rattling around inside me and frankly I’m not sure I’m qualified for this. 

Implantation won’t have occurred yet, if it’s going to, yet I’m still desperate *to know*. I feel like something so so big, so important, should be written. It should be known. Predicted already, set in stone. So can’t I just know???? Man I don’t even believe in fate or whatever. But how can I not know. 

I’m swinging between being massively excited and sure sure sure it’s worked and then convinced it hasn’t. With some crazy thrown in. 

I want this so bad. 

A sign! 

  I found one of these cutie baby socks a few weeks ago, randomly on my hall floor. I excitedly showed A, proclaiming it a ‘sign’. Today I found its brother, mixed in with my socks. Now there have no visiting babies here for quite some time, so it’s definitely a sign, right? 

Ovulation

I finally got myself an lh surge on the morning of CD22 after spotting since CD 17 for no apparent reason, I was so releved but also totally confused! 

We had inseminated on CD 21 cuz I was having ewcm still and just wanted to feel like we were actually doing something to try for this baby even though I was upset thinking we had missed o somehow. When I got the solid smilie we then did another insem on the evening of CD22. Ideally we had wanted to insem on morning of CD 23 but sperm guy couldn’t make it so CD 22 it was. 
Not sure what I think of this cycle except confused. I don’t think I can be ovulating every cycle with the lengths varying so much and with this random bleeding. 

I had my follow up scan on Friday which was cd 19. No sign of anything untoward but I was bleeding quite a bit that day, my endometrium was very thick so the sonographer said possibly it could be hiding in there and my biggest follicle was only 14mm which was so disappointing considering I should have been about to ovulate. Frustratingly my GP has written me a letter telling me everything is totally normal, ummm, actually it’s not!!!!  

We visited another fertility clinic on Monday, and although it’s much closer to home (30 miles closer) which would save time and money, it was not a scratch on the other place. We’ve pretty much decided to use the first place we visited but have an appointment tomo at an NHS hospital that does some private care so will see how that pans out. It’s in the middle distance wise. 

Feeling flat. 

Let’s talk about sperm

Ttc cycle #5 is underway. We did two inseminations this time, one 12 hours after lh surge began and one 36 hours. 

Obviously those samples were quite close together. I had planned to ‘pre load’ if you like by inseminating before the lh surge started and then inseminating again roughly 12 hours after lh surge began but it surprised me a day early. 

Now I’m no more a fan of spunk than the next lesbian, but I’ve got several spunk related questions swimming around my head. The first sample was a whopping 3.5mls, the second less than a measly 1ml! 

Now I know quantity does not reflect quality, that there are millions of sperm in each sample (hopefully) when it only takes one and I know it was the second sample he had given in two days but seriously?! I just don’t see how I can get pregnant from less than a ml, for a start half of it seems to get lost in the syringe, and then when I am finally brave enough to stand upright, it feels like gallons of the stuff runs right back out! I want the bloody stuff to stay up there thanks very much, I mean how do women get pregnant standing up?! What with gravity and everything how do women get pregnant at all?! If only a ml goes up there, then most of it falls back out half an hour later, how much spunk does one require? Jeeze

Condom wands and an uninvited guest

Friday morning I had the glorious experience if a pelvic ultrasound, lucky me eh?! Why they faf around making you drink ungodly amounts of water only to pretend like they wern’t always going to end up brandishing the condom wand is beyond me. My day was literally controlled there out by the sheer volume of my pee! 

Anyway after what felt like an hour of wanding and a lot of rummaging around, the nice lady at the other end of the condom wand announced that I had a polyp and my endometrium was too thick, probably due to inflammation caused by the polyp. Great. There was a cyst on my ovary most probably from the fact I had ovulated a couple of days ago as there was no other signs of polycystic ovaries so that was good. 

She wants me to return in three months (THREE MONTHS!!!!) to confirm her findings and make sure no other cysts have appeared. My GP will get the results this week and I plan on asking if it’s possible to just go ahead and have a hysteroscopy cuz if there is something there they can just remove the offending article whilst they’re in there and we can continue on with our dream of having a family. I don’t want to spend 3 months hanging around just for them to say, yep it’s still there, now let’s get it out! 

I’ve been very upset about this uninvited polyp but not all that surprised. The cramps that started from around the time of last months ovulation haven’t gone away, and cramps, irregular bleeding and heavy periods are something I’ve experienced on and off for a couple of years now. It’s just cruel that this wasn’t picked up and dealt with before we spent 4 months ttc and getting our hopes up only to have them dashed again. I’ve had pelvic ultrasounds before because of my symptoms and numerous visits to my GP and the gynaecologist and have always been told nothing’s wrong. It’s sooo frustrating. 

I’m almost definitely not pregnant if I do have a polyp. But on the plus side, most womens fertility returns pretty quickly after having one removed so if we can get on with it we should theoretically be able to conceive as easily as anyone else. But if we do have to wait those three months to have it confirmed where does that leave us? Do we continue to inseminate and hope it works despite the polyp or do we have a break to save ourselves from the heartbreak? The problem is the what if….

I am aware that this as just a minor bump in the road if ttc and many more have it so much worse. But this is my road and my bump and this journey is an emotional one, bumps or not.