Dear baby

17/9/17
Baby you’re growing big! You kick me a lot in the early mornings and I love every little squirm! It feels like such precious time, so much so that once I’ve woken up I can’t go back to sleep as I just want to lie there and feel you move. Some of your kicks are getting uncomfortable but weirdly those are my favourite as they show just how strong you are! You then squirm and kick on and off all day before your big finale at bed time when you seem to go bonkers in there! I wonder what you’re so busy doing. 

I get worried about your movements, it’s such a big responsibility to make sure you’re ok. When I’m working I’m so busy it’s hard to concentrate and I can’t wait for maternity leave to begin so I can just focus on you.

I’m 34 weeks pregnant with you now, it’s flown by. We get to meet you in a few short weeks and both of us are getting emotional about it all. Mumma starts her third year of uni around the time your due so it’s all go around here. We’ve decorated your nursery, our room and swapped the living room/office around so you have a safe space to one day learn to crawl. Grandpa is redoing our bathroom for us too, so the place is a mess but I don’t think you’ll mind. 

What else? We’re trying to teach your doggy siblings not to bark and every leaf that blows past so they don’t wake you constantly. I hope you’re getting used to woofs in there! 

All our lovely friends and family have been gifting us so much! And your aunties have been knitting non stop. Granny has found jumpers she knitted me 30 years ago! You’ll get to wear them soon but she wants them back after ok? 

We’re ready for you baby 💛

A little love letter

31/5/17My baby,

You are a 19 weeks old foetus tomorrow, which means it is 17 weeks since the egg that made up half of you met the sperm that made up the other half and you started to become you. I guess the egg had been maturing for a couple of weeks prior to meeting its other half hence the 19 weeks, but who knows, maybe it’s just to make us pregnant people feel better about being so knackered because hey, look how pregnant we are! 
Being pregnant with you is my dream come true. You’re making me a mother, something I’ve dreamed of for years and something that feels like it’s still a dream to be honest, I can’t really believe that you’ll be coming to meet us soon, earth side. I’ve felt you move this last couple of weeks, but today I felt your squirms and worms so strongly, I like to think they were proper kicks. It felt like strong twitches or being flicked if you’re interested! It was so magical, such a beautiful feeling. Oh I don’t know what the point of this is except to say you are so wanted, you are so loved by me and your mummy and we can’t wait to meet you. 
We are busy preparing for that day. We are so excited, as are all of your family! So far we have planned your nursery and mummy is in the process of washing the walls ready for painting them. Your cot arrived yesterday and your Moses basket is on the way. We’ve bought some clothes, and a sling to love you in. We are trying to think of your name, are you Lucca or Rupert? Or Dahlia or Matilda?  
I can’t wait to meet you, to know you, to love you 💛

Ivf pregnancy update

Today I am 20 weeks and two days pregnant (according to our dating scan! 20 weeks exactly according to, well science) and I’m so excited we made it half way! 

Throughout this pregnancy I have counted my lucky stars each and every day and I am so grateful for this babe. I wouldn’t say I’ve been outright anxious about things going wrong, but I am a realist and I know that shit happens. 

Pregnancy so far; 

After our beautiful 12 week scan I started myself on low dose aspirin to prevent pre eclampsia. In the U.K. NICE guidelines recommend it for anyone high risk of pre eclampsia, which I fall into due to using a sperm donor. None of my blood relatives have had preeclampsia and I have no other risk factors but this is one risk I do not want to take. Technically I was meant to see a obstetric consultant prior to 12 weeks to prescribe this for me, and provide a plan of care (which I hope consists of carry on as normal 😆) however I have yet to see one, and my appointment that was scheduled for next week has just been pushed back another fortnight. I guess I’ll just let them know I consulted myself instead ha.

About 15 weeks we got our Down’s Edwards as Pataus syndrome results and we are low risk. 1:1568 for downs and 1:100,000 for Edwards and pataus. This doesn’t mean no risk mind. 

16 weeks and we popped to see our lovely midwife for a quick antenatal and all my blood results etc were normal. Brief but sweet. We had a small debarcle where I left my notes at home and the wife had to run back to get them and I cried in the waiting room thinking she would miss the appointment, but thankfully she didn’t! Oh pregnancy hormones! I learnt though just how important it is that’s she’s with me all through this, I don’t want her to miss a beat. 

And our 20 week/anomaly scan! Most importantly everything looked normal. Plodding along just under the 50th centile and kicking around like crazy. It was lovely to see our little one again, and we were so strong and didn’t find out gender. We are team 💛 mostly because we love surprises and feel no need whatsoever to genderise a foetus, each to their own of course but I just want to let the little thing be. 

Here’s our babe getting itself into some interesting positions at the anomaly scan! 

The only issue I’ve really had in this pregnancy is my hips. Man, my hips. It’s quite distressing at times, and I’m not sure why it is. Gp things inflammation in my trochanteric bursa, I think maybe sciatica. Either way I’m off to see the physio today as I’ve been reduced to tears with it more times than I can count. It really is painful, but it comes and goes and luckily doesn’t seem to set in until late afternoon. I haven’t yet missed a day of work and don’t intend to until maternity leave at term! 

So that’s my update so far 😊 we’ve also been on a bit of a spending spree and are in the early process of decorating a nursery, but more on that another time! Xxxx

12 weeks

Today marks me turning 12 weeks pregnant, that’s crazy! I still can’t believe it and get a little heart skip whenever my pregnancy pops up in conversation. 

Symptoms wise I’m good, no sickness nausea or anything much. Tiredness is easing, I feel bloody lucky. I’m fat though I feel flabby and horrible and can’t wait for a real bump! Also have become slightly obsessed with looking at my boobs in the mirror when I’m getting changed, like what the hell! They’re massive perky and beautiful haha! 

Scan next week on Tuesday and I can’t bloody wait. I’ve been slightly worried that baby is not ok as I’ve been feeling so normal but I naughtily listened in last weekend to baby’s heartbeat and there it was fast and strong and just beautiful ❤ 

Our baby! ❤️

That little blob in a blob is our real life baby! With a heart beat and everything! A real baby! We could see the heart beat flickering away and it was just the most amazing thing. I have wanted this my whole life and here it is, I’m living it. This beautiful little being is going to make us mothers, something I thought we may only ever dream of. I’m already loving the experience of being pregnant, marvelling at how tired something only a centimetre in size can make me. How that little centimetre can change my perspective on the world in a matter of weeks. How it can have caused my body to start changing already, my breasts are growing and changing and my pulse rate to increase by about 10bpm. What power this little one has to cause so much change already. What power my little one ❤️ 

7 weeks

Like a proper pregnant person! I feel so privileged to be at this point but it also feels so perililous and I’m constantly worried it’s going to be taken from us at any point. Our scan on Monday can’t come quick enough, although I am all to aware that having a successful scan doesn’t equal taking a baby home. 

Pregnancy symptoms so far seem to mainly look like extreme tiredness for me and it’s rare I’m still up at 9pm. My sleep is very broken, I’m restlessness and constantly needing a wee! That said mornings are good generally as I have more energy then than the rest of the day. I have felt very sick on a couple of occasions in the early evening before dinner but have yet to experience morning sickness. I think if I can see this week through without it then I may get away with it!! Wishful thinking perhaps? Part of me wants it to show up as I know it’s so common and often thought of as a good sign, but also I know some women just don’t get sick and have perfectly healthy pregnancies. 

A big worry is that I’ve put on weight over the course of ivf and the last few weeks which really bothers me. It’s about 4lbs. I am feeling more able to be active now though, I think my ovaries are back to normal, and so I’ve been walking the dogs more, going further and on more difficult walks and this weekend I’m going to brave a spin class! I’ve told my instructer that I’m taking it easy so he doesn’t push me, and plan on only going at about 50-75% effort max as I don’t want to compromise anything but exercise is good for me and the baby and I really don’t want to be gaining excess weight. I’ve also been planning on swimming once or twice a week after work but so far I simply haven’t had the energy by the time evening comes. Maybe tonight’s the night! 

The five and a half week wait

It’s still so bizarre to me, all this poking and prodding and scans and monitoring and injections blah blah and then nothing! Nada! Not a blood test or a scan or anything. I’ve been tempted this week to go to one of those peek-a-baby places, but A is not keen. She wants us to leave it/them alone to grow and not prod and poke and waste money when it won’t make any difference anyhow. She’s right but OOOHHHHHWWWWW. Two weeks left. Should have called it the five and a half week wait, but I guess it’s not as catchy. Realistic though! #faahww 

In other news, symptoms continue but cramps are lessening, I have very occasional bouts of nausea that may or may not be in my head, killer sore boobs (cannot sleep on my front!!!) and a tendancy for grumpiness plus some pretty significant tiredness. Though I seem to be adjusting to that by always sleeping!! I’m kinda thinking there’s just one baby, though I will be sad if one hasn’t made it. I guess that’s partly why having a scan earlier would be good, daydreaming (aka obsessive Pinterest searching/googling) about twins and twin related items isn’t good if one of my little darlings hasn’t made it. No matter what I am so grateful to have got ANYTHING implanted in there, and one baby suits my Homebirth and exclusive breastfeeding dreams, along with our financial situation better, but you do get so attached to those little embryos. March needs to hurry up already 💙🤞🏼💙 

16dp2dt

Who was I kidding. I managed one day without testing! I was doing pretty good but I’m still cramping and found out my scan will be in three weeks from today….Three! I’m sure that’s correct and fine and you know this is the NHS and I’m grateful blah blah but it feels like such a long bloody time. I’ll be 7+4. That’s like a proper pregnant person. There’s no blood tests or anything either to check levels are rising, so of course the urge to test won out! 

  
It’s getting darker and for now I’m happy. Didn’t expect to have such a long wait after the tww to check everything’s looking as it should though…. 

Telling people wise we’ve told everyone we planned on. A few close friends and parents, plus As sister. My parents seem to have shared with my aunt already though which I don’t mind as she and I are really close and they’re just so damn excited, my dad especially. Mum has already offered to help with childcare and we have about four desperate knitters! It’s so lovely to have others as excited and in love with this baby as us. 

Symptoms wise I’m still cramping which worries me on one hand but also reassures me that at least something’s going on down there on the other. My boobs are super sensitive and I’m quite tired, though not as bad as last week (or maybe I’m getting used to it?).

Roll on march! 

OTD

Today is 14dp2dt and the recommended pregnancy test date following our first IVF cycle. We did it! It’s worked and I can’t believe it! 

Our clinic had given us an (incredibly cheap looking) pregnancy test to do today which is the top test. It’s a bit of a naff test so I did a digital just to make sure, it’s so amazing to see those words pregnant!  

 
Next steps are to continue with progesterone and call the clinic Monday with our results. I believe they’ll arrange a scan for some time after 6 weeks bit I’m not sure if they’ll do a blood test first? 

I’ve used all our tests now and don’t plan on doing any more, I don’t want to get any more obsessive than I am! My general plan is to keep active walking and swimming, eat well, not stress and sit back and let our little darling grow ❤ 

Thank you for all your lovely messages of support ❤

  

Ivf-who to tell

With my family and close friends I’m incredibly open about all aspects of my life. I see no point in pretence and if I’m going through something challenging or difficult I will often seek advice from many different people to help me come to my own conclusion. As a child I would constantly ask questions if I didn’t understand something and this would be reflected in school reports etc. So naturally even before ttc, having a family was a subject I had already talked about time and time again with many different people and many people know of our ivf attempt. 

I have found it a great relief to talk to people about how I am feeling, have received a lot of support and have found it helps me a lot though often I can’t get across just how significant this is for me. My wife asked me not to tell anyone about our positive result until otd which is tomorrow. She doesn’t and hasn’t asked for a lot so I was happy to do this, though if left to me I would have told all of our inner circle straight away! So no one knows except us. The strange thing for me is that since I’ve known it’s positive I’ve obviously relaxed a lot, stopped asking advice or talking out my stress and worry and generally needed less support, and no one seems to have noticed! My best friends have just left me to it and I find it so strange because if I didn’t know the outcome (which is what they all believe) I would be going fucking insane and crying at them, talking at them and generally needing support. I don’t quite get how they don’t know that I know! And I’m upset that I thought they got how much I want this, and I thought they got how much this has taken over my world that ‘being normal’ could only ever be pretend right now. Maybe they’re just grateful for the peace and quiet! 

Anyway, where I’m going with this is that infertility, ttc, ivf, is something I think that only those going through it can understand. That desire is all encompassing, the process overwhelming and you just can’t think of anything else. I’m glad I found this little world where I can read your stories and know that others feel the same, that we’re not alone.